


Fast and Bulbous, or: An Exercise in Pretense

by kelly_goosecock



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Clothed Sex, F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Humor, I Don't Even Know, It gets a little weird, Light-Hearted, M/M, Male with Breasts, Multi, Naked Male Clothed Female, Neck Kissing, Sexual Confusion, Status Effects, Threesome - F/M/M, male breasts, this isn't my fetish but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 14:36:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21138302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelly_goosecock/pseuds/kelly_goosecock
Summary: Ryuji gets hit with a mysterious status effect. Ann and Akira make good use of the situation.





	Fast and Bulbous, or: An Exercise in Pretense

**Author's Note:**

> idk bro I thought it would be funny ok
> 
> edit 12/15/19: this is kinda shit in hindsight. oh well. whatever keeps me from being bored at work  

> 
> part of the title is one of captain beefheart's favorite phrases.

“Oracle, gimme _ somethin’ _!”

“I told you, I don't have anything to give! I've never seen anything like this before!”

What felt like hundreds of floors’ worth of atmosphere weighed down upon the Phantom Thieves. Breathing, moving, even thinking - everything was sluggish down there, like a diver at the bottom of the sea. The thick, damp air of Mementos seemed to breed shadows like bacteria. It didn't help that - also much like bacteria - each dead shadow meant the next would come back stronger and more resistant to attack. 

The massive beast that stood before the Thieves now was proof enough of that fact. It seemed to be carved out of stone, a tiny-headed, wide-hipped, large-breasted… woman? It was an undeniably feminine shape, but it lacked any defined features, its head a strange, smooth nub. Hell, it didn't even have feet. Each Thief had launched their strongest elemental assault upon the mysterious statue save for Ryuji, and not one of them had so much as chipped at the thing's surface. It still might have had a weakness, but Ryuji's palms were sweating nonetheless. What the hell was he gonna do if his attack bounced back? Is stone conductive? Was the shadow even really made of stone?

“Well, what the shit am I supposed'a do, then?”

Futaba's voice buzzed through his earpiece, responding, “I dunno. You _ could _ quit being a massive beta and just _ HIT THE FREAKING THING _!”

The insult set in motion a growl that would evolve into a war cry as Ryuji dashed forward and struck the monster with his mace.

** _clonk _ **

Ryuji staggered back, his weapon bouncing away unceremoniously. The statue let out a sound: a high-pitched, scraping sort of wheeze, the timbre of which suggested that it was mocking Ryuji's attack. “Shit, _ that's _ no good,” Ryuji hissed. “Guys! Don't use your weapons! I'm gonna see if it's weak to li-”

Just then, two peach-colored orbs of energy shot from the face of his foe, striking him square in the chest. They seemed to dissipate inside his body as the force knocked him off his feet and into the wall some distance behind him.

“Skull!” Akira cried out reflexively. Seeing his friends hurt was just about the only thing that made him break his cool exterior. Before anyone else could react, he launched a volley of psychic attacks. Besides lightning, it was the only thing they hadn't tried - a last-minute, white-knuckle hail mary. 

The crackle of crumbling rocks resonated through the massive subway tunnel. The figure was reduced to dust immediately, but no one felt inclined to celebrate just yet. They dashed over to where their teammate had landed, standing around him in a circle. With a shaky hand, Ann lightly jostled his shoulder. "Skull? You okay?"

He rolled himself over with a groan, his eyes scanning the worried faces gathered over him. He spoke through the occasional pained grunt. "C'mon guys, -_ ergh _ \- chill out. I'm not gonna _ -agh- _ die on you _ that _ easy."

His smile was mildly comforting, but there were still plenty of questions to be answered. Morgana was the most visibly confused, calling out, "Oracle! You got anything? I've never seen an attack like that, we're gonna need a diagnostic!"

"Hold on, I'm waiting on some reverse searches."

"Okay. In the meantime, how do you feel, Skull?"

The boy pawed at his chest. "Well, aside from where I hit the wall, I got this weird -_ ach- _pressure right here. Hurts real dull. It ain't my heart, it's my whole chest."

There was a brief pause before their navigator spoke again. "….aaaand… gotcha! Looks like that thing matches the appearance of some kind of ancient statue. 'Venus,' they're calling it. Maybe it was a part of some wayward archaeologist's cognition, huh?"

The only response her little joke got was a groan from Yusuke. "How could I have missed it? An Immodest Venus!"

Makoto scratched her head. "Venus like the ancient Roman goddess?"

"Yes and no. There are many different Venus figurines, none of which actually depict that particular goddess. They, in fact, predate the Roman Empire by thousands of years. They're some of the oldest examples of ceramic sculptures that humans have ever found."

"Okay, so why are they named after Venus if they're not sculptures of-"

A voice furiously squeaked through their earpieces. "I'm sure you two _ NERDS _ are having fun with your history lesson, but we have bigger problems right now! What does that mean for Skull?"

Yusuke crossed his arms and glared at nothing in particular. "..._ obstreperous little imp…" _

“You _ what _, Inari?"

"_ Any _ way, these statues are believed to be ancient fertility idols. That's all I know. If that cognition has any influence on its abilities, then all I can conclude is that it may have made our friend more, eh, _ fertile." _

As the revelation spread across the team, Ann let out a whine. "Oh, gross. Grossgrossgroooss!"

Much to everyone's disgust, Ryuji gingerly patted the groin of his leather pants. "Hell, I don't feel fertile. Everything's in proper workin’ order down here, far ‘s I can tell"

"Ah, Skull?" Makoto reluctantly offered, "Unless you've got some kind of medical condition we don't know about, I think you probably _ should _be fer- you know what, nevermind. Anything else, Oracle?"

"Nope. 404, baby. For now, I say we get Mr. Bones offa this wild ride."

"You good to walk?" Akira offered his hand. Ryuji took it, pulling himself up. "No biggie. I'll sleep it off, easy." 

It was a lie. The whole way back he could feel the pressure growing. There was little pain, but every second that passed made it seem like his chest was closer to bursting. Each time they rested he felt each of his teammates' cautious eyes on him. He thought, _ I don't gotta worry these guys. It'll pass. I don't know why, but I know this shit ain't gonna kill me. _

………

** _Knock, knock, knock_ **

"Rise and shine, Ryu-kun~! I'm off to work. Have a great day at school, sweetie. Love you."

"Love you too, ma," Ryuji groaned. As if the strain of Mementos wasn't enough, his new affliction had kept him from sleep for at least an extra hour. He was so tired he almost didn't notice that the pain seemed to have vanished in his sleep. With a yawn, he smacked his lips, briefly lamenting the early-morning taste of stale ass that one's mouth seems to always accrue regardless of their oral hygiene. The sheets rumpled as he sat up, and- That wasn't right. Ryuji's balance was slightly off, he was sure of it. Even just sitting up felt wrong, like a bunch of weight had been distributed to his… chest. He looked down.

A startled yelp escaped Ryuji, like a dog who just had its tail stepped on. A mantra filled his mind, "_ please don't let mom still be here please don't let mom still be here please" _

Hanging from his chest were two pert, respectably-sized breasts. They awkwardly filled his pajama shirt, making it fold and stretch in ways it was not meant to. For a moment, he sat frozen in time. He immediately understood _ why _ it had happened, but the _ what am I gonna do _ proved to be a much greater conundrum. 

Finally, a cautious hand reached up. He cupped himself, testing the weight of the thing, making sure it was for real and not just a really vivid dream. Were he under any other circumstances, he would be practically drooling at the chance to grope someone like that, but now, his horror made it impossible for any remotely sexual thoughts to breach into his conscious mind. 

He poked, prodded, squeezed at his new endowments until eventually he accidentally brushed against his nipple. A terrible gasp escaped his throat, vulnerable and rather girly in its own right. His knees shook a little, and the stress of the situation made his head swim. "_ Jesus, are all chicks sensitive like this?" _ he thought. " _ Wait- chicks?" _

Ryuji's hand shot down towards his crotch. He breathed a deep sigh of relief; the familiar bulge of his privates remained unperturbed. That relief instilled in him the confidence and desire to look in a mirror.

_ "Oh… shit." _

The sight of himself froze his thoughts. Every other bit of him was the same as it ever was: his face, his hair, his limbs, his stomach… but now he could not remove his eyes from the massive unfamiliar problem that had grown out of his chest. Well, _ problem _ ** _s_ ** was more accurate. Nervously he wrapped his fingers around the bottom seam of his shirt and lifted. Without ceremony, the mirror confirmed what Ryuji wished was not true. There they were, oblately spherical, large but not too large, and hanging just the right amount. Their proximity to his hard abs and square hips made him look like a bizarre collage cut from dirty magazines. The nipple he had touched was standing at attention; it seemed like his areolas had puffed up and widened, too. Ryuji felt like he was ready to vomit.

All of a sudden, his mother's words came rushing back to him. _ Have a good day at school! _ Oh, shit. School. God damn it. Eff! What was he gonna do? Shakily, he retrieved his phone from his nightstand.

At Leblanc, Akira sat munching a bowl of cereal. Sojiro scowled disapprovingly as he watched the boy slip his phone from his pocket. "Sure, go ahead. Act like I haven't told you how rude that is." Akira ignored him. If it were Ohya or some other clown he wouldn't bother, but friends took priority over breakfast. 

Ryuji:

u gotta help me man pls respond

Ryuji:

please respond

Akira:

What?

Ryuji:

that monster did somethin to me. im not sick or nothin but somethin weird did happen and i need some help

Akira:

What can I do? What's wrong?

Ryuji:

uhhhh 

Ryuji:

ok morgana knows abt metaverse crap right

Akira:

I suppose...

Ryuji:

can u drop him off? i cant say whats wrong but it has to do with what happened in mementos so yeah

Akira: 

He said he'd never seen that attack before.

Ryuji:

JUST BRING HIM OVER YOU PRICK OR DO SOMETHING I NE3D HELP HOLT SHIT HOW MANU TIMES DO I HABE TO SAY IT

Akira:

Okay, okay. Sorry. I'll swing by.

Ryuji:

also i can't come to school you gotta tell em im sick or something

Akira:

Ok??

………

"Do you think the world runs on your schedule, Kurusu? ...or do you just like pressing your luck?"

He was barely a few minutes late, but it was already useless to try and sneak into class unnoticed. 

"Unfortunately for you, I've already called attendance. As far as the record is concerned, you're tardy."

"Sorry, Ushimaru-sensei."

"Hmph."

As Akira sat down, his phone buzzed again.

Ann:

what gives??? 

Akira:

It would take way too long to explain in text. I'll tell you at lunch. 

……...

It had occurred to Ryuji rather quickly just what he was bringing upon himself. He cursed his panicked mind and its lack of common sense. "_ Oh, sure, get Morgana over here. It's not like he's gonna hold this over my head for the rest of my stupid life. Why don't I just tell the little prick about my celebrity crushes, or that one time I wet the bed? Just give ‘im plenty of ammo," _he ranted inside his head, replacing his shirt. 

Eventually, he heard a tiny paw scratch his door. "Ryuji? You in there? What's so important you wanted to see _ me? _"

"Uh… can we just talk it through?"

"Sure, let me in."

"Through the door, I mean."

"...what, did you mutate into some kind of horrific creature? Are you gonna turn me to stone if I look at you?"

"Just- I- ...Look. A part of me _ grew _, okay?"

"I think that's natural for boys your age, Ryuji."

"No, it ain't like that! It's… not normal. I can't go into detail. I just need you to tell me if there's a way to reverse it."

"Well, unless you let me in, I suppose I can't tell you what the likelihood of that _ is _, can I?"

"...okay. Okay, but you do NOT tell anyone about this. You blab to Akira and I wring yer little kitty cat neck, ya hear me?"

"Oh, _ sure _ . I _ promise _."

Ryuji was too desperate to truly care about the thick sarcasm in Morgana's voice. He slid his door open, and-

**"** ** _BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"_ **

Morgana erupted, laughter sending him to the floor.

**"** ** _Oh my GOD, Ryuji-hee-heeee- you- you grew-"_ **

"Yeah. Laugh it up. Real effin' hilarious that your friend is a jacked up freak now. That's the compassion I like to see from a teammate." 

Ryuji's protest did not seem to garner any sympathy. After what felt like an eternity, Morgana's laughing fit tapered off. He sat in the middle of the room, looking up at Ryuji, who returned to his bed.

“_Okay_, okay-_heh-heh…_ _heh_… _Oh, man_... Okay. Well. Let's look at the facts. 1. You got hit by a mysterious attack.”

“Yeah.”

“2. It wasn't elemental, so it probably had some kind of physiological effect - like the ones that can put us to sleep.”

“Sounds about right.”

“3. The attack didn't take effect immediately, and 4. It, uh, gave you…”

“Yeah, yeah, got it. What now? What does that all add up to?”

“Well, do you feel different mentally? Is any other part of you different?”

“No and no, thank christ.”

“You're sure? Those things are entirely vestigial?”

“Uh, they _ work _ if that's what you're askin’.”

Morgana paused. Silence squealed in Ryuji's ears, he wanted a goddamn answer right effin’ now. Unfortunately for him, the cat could only speculate. 

“They… ‘work’?”

“I _ mean _ they're… y'know… all- all _ sensitive… n’ stuff.” _

“I'd ask if female breasts were normally like that, but I really doubt you'd know.”

“_ Hey! _ I know plenty. I've seen some videos. Seems like chicks are _ pret-ty _sensitive right there. ...hey, why do you care? What does that have to do with-”

“Be-_ CAUSE _, genius, it has to do with a theory I'm cooking up.”

Ryuji hopped off the bed, feverishly sputtering, "C-come on, man! Spill! Holy shit!"

Morgana rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't get excited… Put it together: the delayed effect that hasn't gone away, the oversensitivity… it's not much of an _ attack _, is it?"

Ryuji raised his eyebrows, exasperated. 

"So…?"

"I don't think that attack was meant for a male. Maybe it was a misfire or something, but it hit you. _ Maybe _the effects would be much worse if you were a female."

There was a ** _clap_ ** as Ryuji clamped his hands onto his head. "That's _ IT!? _Don't you know how to fix this shit!?"

"Didn't Akira already remind you? I don't! I'm out of my depth here - there, I said it!"

The two erupted into a flurry of verbal combat, yelling carelessly over each other. 

"Don't act like it's my fault that-"

"Is that what you wanted to hear? _ Your _ fault? I'm not acting like-"

"-what I wanna hear is a friggin' solution! You think I would try to piss off the only guy that-"

"-and it's not like you appreciate- yeah, I _ do _think you'd do that, you-"

Ryuji had enough. The argument was so stupid he almost forgot about the matter at hand.

"Okay, _ SHUT _ ** _UP!_ **"

Morgana did.

"Just… it's fine. It's fine. You tried, okay, and I shouldn't be flippin' shit, ‘cause that ain't gonna fix this either."

"Wow. I can't even make fun of you, that's pretty mature."

"Thanks, I _ think _."

"Don't mention it.”

Morgana awkwardly pawed at the carpet, then broke the silence again.

"So… uh… I guess I'd better get going."

Ryuji reclined, scratching the back of his head.

"Yeah, guess so. You good to walk? I ain't takin' you on the train."

"No thanks. I'm okay."

It would have been the perfect opportunity to lambast Ryuji for underestimating him, perhaps even throwing a jab at his affliction, but something about that prospect just didn't seem as fun as it normally was. If the situation was dire enough to drive Ryuji to act like an adult, then maybe Morgana should, too.

"You _ do _have to get the door for me, though."

………

Ryuji sat in silence for what felt for a long while. He made many fruitless attempts to fidget; scrolling through his phone just didn't feel right, so he quit that too. Perhaps, he thought, they would go away faster if he ignored them. Subconsciously he knew that made no real sense, but his brain needed something to cling to - something to strive for. Hands in his lap, Ryuji stared into the corner of the room. Thought after random thought passed through his mind. For a moment it seemed as if that type of self-distraction would really work, but…

As if they were growing bored, too, his breasts began to tingle - a frigid, prickly itch. Still hanging onto his plan, Ryuji absently murmured, "_ no, no, no, quit it, effin’ quit it…" _

They did not. Soon he was unable to keep the rolling storm of pins and needles from creeping into his focus. One by one, the growing ache in his chest stabbed his errant thoughts to death, leaving only this new, strange pain behind. 

"_ Shit. Shhhhit." _ Ryuji grunted. Cold beads of sweat welled up on his forehead before being smeared across it with a panicked hand. He stared helplessly at the bulges in his pajama shirt, fingers clenching and unclenching around his sheets. The heat of his breath seemed to drown out the silence of his room, for all the sense that made. He couldn't think straight. He couldn't _ feel _ straight. It wasn't long before he succumbed. 

The sensation was vaguely ejaculatory, perhaps like air being let out of a balloon. The shivering pain seemed to drain out of his chest everywhere his hand touched, briefly mutating into a strong and hopelessly erotic warmth before dispersing entirely. Acting on clumsy instinct, Ryuji mimicked his favorite JAV stars, rubbing wide circles, squeezing, pinching- "_ ah, god..." _

He stopped short and took a deep breath, attempting to re-center himself. Giving into the temptation had alleviated his pain, but how long would it stay gone? Ryuji felt a familiar throb in his groin. "Can't just sit here and rub my tits all day. Gotta be another way. _ God I can't friggin' believe I actually said that and meant it." _

"Ryujiii! You still here?"

Well, shit. _ She' _s not supposed to be here. 

"You alright, man?"

Or him. What the hell was Akira thinking? Ryuji specifically said not to come. Or did he? Now wasn't the time to fret over the little things. His friends were converging on his location, and unlike Morgana, they were very capable of opening the door. As the sound of footsteps grew ever closer, he called out the first thing that came to mind. "D-don't come in! I'm, uh, naked!"

There was a moment of sickening silence. His outcry had stopped the footsteps, but his friends' lack of response, however momentary, caused equal distress. Ann finally broke the silence. "Is Morgana still… with you?"

Akira and Ann shared a glance, standing outside the sliding door to Ryuji's room. A voice stuttered from beyond it. "N-no! No. He left. Just me! Thought I'd, uh, take a shower, y-y'know?"

So many questions would have been appropriate. _ Ryuji, do you know what time it is? Ryuji, what the heck did Morgana tell you? Ryuji, don't you think your teachers hate you enough? _What was more important to Akira, though…

"Ryuji, what's wrong? We're your friends. Even if it's embarrassing, you gotta let us help you."

The sentiment was lost on Ryuji. _ Shit, the lock, _ he thought. _ They're not gonna wanna talk forever. _

Moving was a mistake. An attempted step towards the door seemed to reopen the floodgates of sensation once more. Though before, one could have likened the pain to a mild electric shock, Ryuji now felt as if someone had struck him in the sternum full force. An involuntary groan escaped his throat as he tumbled to the floor in surprise.

"Ryuji!" his friends yelled in unison. Akira's hand hit the door on instinct. 

"S-stop!" The word scraped through gritted teeth as Ryuji clutched his chest, now out of sheer necessity rather than anything else. "_ Don't- open- that- _ ** _door_ **!" 

Akira actually hesitated. His eyes met Ann's, and as the pained grunts behind the door turned to oddly hushed whimpers, the worry on her face intensified exponentially. They'd had enough. 

Neither one of them could find the words. Ryuji was curled up in a ball, hands cradling his chest. From this angle, it almost looked to Ann like…

"I-is this some kind of prank? You had us worried s-"

As she spoke, Ryuji sat up and unclenched his hands, his breasts, though clothed, hanging back into a position that defied Ann's assumption. Not fake. Not a prank.

“Oh my god…”

Ryuji scrambled backwards in a sort of crab walk until he bumped his back against his bed. “D-don’t look at me! Augh, damn it, it’s gonna happen again…” It sure was… and when it did, what was he gonna do?

Though Ann had once again fallen speechless, Akira stepped forward and took charge. “Calm down. Take a deep breath, Ryuji. What exactly is ‘going to happen again?’”

Having obeyed Akira's first two requests to the best of his abilities, Ryuji rose to his feet. Uncomfortable as he certainly was, it sure did help when his friends responded with genuine concern rather than a faceful of laughter. “This, uh… these hurt... sometimes.” It wasn't a lie.

“Sometimes? ‘They’ don't hurt now?”

“Nah. It's why I yelled earlier, though.”

Ann stepped forward, bringing herself shoulder to shoulder with Akira and unintentionally pinning Ryuji a mere few feet from his bed. “It's just super freaky… are they…?”

“A-are they what?”

“I dunno how to say it, but-”

Entranced, Ann found herself reaching towards her friend's new assets. He wasn't so pleased. “H-hey! Cut that shit out, what the helld'ya think yer doin’!?”

He stumbled backwards and almost tripped into his bed. With a huff, she drew back as well, seemingly disappointed. “Jeez, Ryuji, it's not like they're real or anything! I mean, I guess that's kinda what I was trying to figure out, but that's not the point.”

“Oh, and the point _ is _!?”

Whatever explanation Ann had in mind was cut off by the boy to her left. Sure, Akira was still concerned, but the opportunity for some smartass shit-talking had fallen into his lap - the exact kind of opportunity he rarely passed up. “I think she wants to touch your boobs, man.”

Ann started to shove at Akira's shoulders, emitting a mantra of _ stop it _ s and _ shut up _s. He did neither, though his speech was interrupted by many a chuckle. “I wouldn't pass it up, bro. Maybe it'll be like, ‘scratch my back I scratch y-”

Ryuji had been enjoying the display of infighting that always seemed to arise when more than two of them hung out together, but his entertainment was swiftly cut short by another body-shaking bolt of pain. He doubled over onto the bed behind him, limbs taut and flexed involuntarily. A brief yelp of pain prefaced his speech, which found its way through ragged breaths. “_ Don't- look- ...gotta- fix- this- _”

Despite the warning, both of his friends refused to relinquish their spots by his bed and in fact leaned in closer in an effort to discern if they could actually help. Needless to say, the emotion in the room made another strange leap the moment Ryuji began pawing desperately at his chest. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the noises. The _ noises _. Sure, normally one might be expected to clutch or even massage a wound, cramp, or what have you, but that was obviously not the case here. Ryuji whined in strange, wheezing grunts, some low and some falsetto. One of his legs kicked out, twitching involuntarily. He writhed in his bed, eyes clenched shut, growling like a starved beast. It was somewhat frightening, but thankfully, it didn't take long for him to calm down again. When he did…

“You _ guys _! Oh shit, oh christ, did you seriously just see that!?”

"Are you… okay?"

Ann was baffled as to how Akira could be calm enough to say anything. Aside from the general discomfort hanging in the room, the other feeling that worried her was a familiar weakness in her legs. _ Ew, no _ , she thought. _ No way. _

"I'm- yeah, I'm fine, I guess, but you guys gotta get outta here. That's gonna happen again."

"No."

Now both sets of eyes were on Akira. They were too shocked to protest, so he continued. 

"You're sick. You're in _ pain _. We're not just going to leave you to suffer."

Staring up from his bed, Ryuji looked rather pathetic. He panted, "Dude… the only way to fix it is-"

"I know. I saw."

It was Ann's turn to speak up. "Akira, what are you saying?"

"Don't look at me, you're the one who was about to fondle him a second ago."

Hot blood rushed to Ann's face. A nervous hand fiddled with her sweater. "But that was- I mean…"

"He needs us. I think that's-"

"Quit talkin' like I ain't here," Ryuji cut through, staring daggers at Akira. "The hell're you gonna do, grab my tits for me?"

"What else _ can _ I do?"

The aggression in Ryuji's eyes softened into weak surprise. "F-for real…? This ain't some casual thing, man. Just cause I ain't a chick don't mean you ain't basically talkin' about _ diddlin' _me."

"Just an offer, friend to friend. If you feel uncomfortable about it, I won't push you."

"Jesus, you're really serious about this…"

"Let me know when you decide. No pressure."

It scared the shit out of Ryuji that he was seriously weighing his options. There was no way he could look Akira in the eye again after something like that. Akira seemed to be convinced that his suggestion was tantamount to bringing soup and medicine to a friend with the flu. Obviously it was much more intimate, even if it was out of necessity, so why didn't Ryuji feel comfortable denying the offer outright? It stopped mattering before he could come to a conclusion. 

Lightning struck his heart once more, this time radiating spikes through the veins in his arms and legs. He fell back again with a strangled yelp, stiffening and tensing. A gasp from Ann sent Akira briefly into action before he stopped short of the bedside. “Ryuji. I don't wanna do this if you don't want me to. I need a signal."

Ryuji lifted his arm, bending it towards himself with some difficulty. A rogue spurt of pain sent it crashing back down to the mattress. He tried again, his whole body now quivering in excruciating anticipation. No dice. His limbs were scarcely responding. The crosstalk of his affliction shot down every attempt to stay the assault. No longer in control, he cried out, "_ Fine! Do it, god damn it! DO IT! _”

It wasn't but a second before Akira was upon him, bending over the bed to grasp his friend. The slim hands, though normally deft, could now only guess at where to touch and how. It hardly mattered. Every squeeze, clumsy or otherwise, exorcised a demon from Ryuji's body, transforming the harsh electricity into a warm buzz that relieved his paralysis and sent blood rushing to his groin. Every conscious corner of his brain screamed _ don't enjoy it don't enjoy it don't _ yet the involuntary whimpers escaping his throat said otherwise. Eventually...

"That enough? Can I stop?"

"_ ah… _Y-yeah, I think so…"

Akira straightened back up, hitching his thumbs in his pockets in an uncharacteristic display of awkward reservation. He turned to find Ann, and there she was, visibly uncomfortable. Given the circumstances, it's not surprising that Akira didn't notice just how flushed she was getting, the stiffness of her jaw muscles, or even the way she was digging her nails into her own thigh. Either way, neither of them felt confident enough to speak - that is, until Ryuji finally broke their brief moment of shared silence. 

"Akira, I don't think it was enough. Oh shit_ , oh shit... _"

"What's wrong?" Swiftly, Akira turned back towards his friend. "What do you need? What do I do?"

"_ It's- it's- _ Oh _ Christ-" _ the boy whined. Whatever he was feeling, it was clearly different to his previous outbursts. His back arched slightly, digging his shoulders into the mattress and lifting his pelvis in something of a slow, labored thrust. "You're not - _ ngh _\- gonna like this…"

The bulge throbbed in Akira's face. "Oh, dude… I don't know if-"

"You're tellin me that _ -agh- _ feelin' me up is all fine and dandy but touchin' my junk is _ -ngh- _ too gay for you? I got news for you pal, this ain't the time to worry ab-"

"I'll do it." The statement came out of Ann like a question. It was probably the only thing she could have said to make Ryuji almost entirely forget about his weird sex illness. Well, the only _reasonable_ thing. ‘Lay me down and fuck me hard, you savage rascal’ probably would have been distracting enough, too, but she probably couldn't say that total nonsense as a _joke_ without laughing. 

“Do you want me to get out of here, or…?” Akira backpedaled slightly, eyes always on Ann as if he was trying not to startle a large animal. 

“Why? It's just friend to friend, right? He _ needs _ us, _ right _?” 

“Yeah, but-”

“Akira, shut the _ fuck _up!” 

Akira jumped. Vulgar though he constantly proved to be, it was a rare occurrence that Ryuji use _ that _ word. In his own house, no less. Somewhere beneath the sparks and coals of the boy's foreign pain yet shone the beacon that lives in the hearts of most every teenage boy - the lamp in the lighthouse on _ I Wanna Score With A Chick _ island, which, incidentally, is just off the coast of _ Jacking Off Once Maybe Twice A Day _bay. Point is, even though he needed the help anyway, Ryuji wasn't planning on letting anything get in the way of a potential handy from the hottest chick he knew. 

Akira backed himself towards the far wall, watching as Ann crept deliberately towards the whining mess on the bed. Said mess was currently grinding his hips slowly against thin air, clutching the sheets once more. Apprehension seemed to replace her usual ferocious confidence, her brow bearing an unsure tilt as she reached the foot of the bed. The past 15 or so minutes had been a whirlwind of emotions that still had Ann second-guessing her intentions. Sure, she _ like _ d Ryuji and he _ was _ a major cutie, but was she really just gonna jump past a hundred hurdles all the way to _ fooling around? _ Or was it a matter of necessity like Akira said before? She could kid herself all she wanted, but subconsciously, that question wasn't even worth asking. It was, however, an effective diversion from the fact that she was seconds away from laying her hands on the junk of her friend who had just sprouted a pair of tits overnight because a weird monster from hell cursed him - oh, and did I mention their other friend was gonna watch? Sheesh. 

She placed a careful hand on the inside of Ryuji's thigh, which he responded to by rutting even more emphatically, trying to jostle her hand to where it really needed to be. "_ Oh, sorry," _she whispered, soft enough that no one actually heard it. 

Ann briefly eyed the considerable mound in Ryuji's sweatpants, then relocated her hand right on top of it. Her friend's thrusts slowed but became stronger, more drawn out. Even through the cloth, she could feel the throb of his heartbeat in the thick underside of his cock. That feeling synergized with the labored, droning groans that Ryuji made with each movement and set Ann's heart racing. With each gyration, the boy's breasts heaved to and fro, awkwardly cocooned in his pajama shirt. He scraped and pumped against her hand, the cotton-wool of his pants grazing coarsely against the tip of his dick.

Just as quickly as it had begun, Ryuji's hips plopped back down. He panted a sigh of relief. Looking up, he saw Ann scratch her head. “Did you… um, are you done?” she asked. 

“Yeah. I'm good for now. The shit might still come back, but you got it all out this time.”

“No, like… ah crud, how do I say this… I mean are you _ finished _?”

"Oh. _ Oh. _ No, but- I guess I thought…”

“What?”

The momentary relief that Ann had provided was as distracting as any orgasm, to the point that Ryuji lost sight entirely of the fact that a girl just touched him right in the no-no zone and he basically just turned down _ more sex _ \- ignoring however awkward, clothed, and non-penetrative it may have been. He attempted to refocus. “You can keep goin’, yeah.”

Ann stomped her foot and scoffed. “You idiot! I'm not doing this ‘cause I _ want _ to! Quit being gross, Ryuji!”

Before Ryuji could get the words 'then why'dya ask if I came yet' out, Akira added another to the many _ you owe me for that _s that he seemed to always be racking up. “Oh, come on, Ann.”

“W-what? What do you mean?”

“This whole thing's a bunch of crap. If whacking off is gonna fix Ryuji's problem, there's no reason we _ ever _needed to be here.”

“But that's-” Ann knew deep down that Akira was right - of course she did. His admission of that fact, however, allowed her to piece together a question she likely should have asked many minutes ago. “So, are you saying you were just making excuses to… _ touch _… Ryuji?”

“Well…”

“So why the hell did you _ stop _ when-”

“I didn't know if he swung that way, okay? It was-”

“Oh, like _ that's _ really much better than grabbing his boobs! What are you-”

"It's all about _ pretense! _ You can't abandon-"

** _“GUYS!”_ **

The word shook the room and froze every tongue therein. "Quit fightin' over me, ya dipshits. I'll swing whichever way you want if it makes these go away." He squeezed himself for emphasis. 

There was a lengthy silence as both of his friends attempted to find an appropriate response. Amused, Ryuji cut in again. "Y'know, I'm only guessin' what 'pretense' means, but I don't think either a' you need it anymore."

"Alright." As he often did, Akira stunned his friends. With the confidence of a bullfighter he strode over to the bed and sat next to Ryuji, patting his own lap. "Hop on."

Ryuji shared a cautious glance with Ann before caving to the unquestionable truth that he wanted this - they _ all _ wanted this. He slid onto his friend's lap and felt a pair of slim hands wrap around the hem of his shirt. As Akira pulled the cloth upward it became apparent how strange his friend's body had become. His knuckles brushed along the hard lines that defined Ryuji's abdomen until, with almost no transition to speak of, they ran into the soft squish of his chest. Bizarre. Nonetheless, he tugged the shirt away and tossed it over onto the floor. Finally Ryuji's breasts hung free and bare, and Ann couldn't help but feel jealous, as stupid as it felt. She had seen plenty of naked and partially naked women between the locker room at school and the photography studios at work, and in her experience, anyone with such prodigious endowments would likely be beset by at least one of many issues: asymmetrical size, too much sag, cockeyed nipples, the list goes on. In light of that, it seemed like Ryuji had been given breasts that could only exist by divine will, and Ann supposed that was pretty much what happened. She could only ruminate for so long before her view was obscured by Akira's hands. 

A half-groan slithered out of Ryuji's throat. From over his shoulder, Akira made brief eye contact with Ann before shifting his gaze to Ryuji's groin and back again. She got the hint, reluctantly kneeling before the stack of twinks on the bed. _ How the heck did I get into this? Do I really want to do what I'm about to do? What's gonna happen to our friendship? _ These were all thoughts that were drowned out by the siren song of Ryuji's bulge, leaving instead mostly a slew of _ holy crap _ s and _ oh my god _ s. She followed Akira's example and tugged at the boy's waistband. _ Oh shit. _Apparently, Ryuji liked to go commando when he slept. 

Having slipped free of its comfortable prison, Ryuji's cock nearly clocked Ann in the nose. She seemed not to have noticed that, during the few seconds it took to shimmy his pants down, she'd leaned her head in a little closer than she intended. Now that she could smell the desperation emanating from Ryuji's privates, it took her entire force of will to not lean in further and bury her face in whichever part looked the most inviting. Perhaps she'd run her tongue up the seam of his sack, slipping her lips around one of his b- 

No way. _ Gross. _ That would _ so _not be ladylike. But since when did Ann care about being ladylike? She'd have to decide quick, because her hand was moving independently of her mind. It stretched out before her eyes, each millisecond seeming to last exponentially longer than the last, until finally… Another groan from Ryuji. She was really doing this. For real for real. She had just wrapped her hand around her friend's cock. Good lord, what a mess. 

Though he usually kept his cool and acted aloof in even the most bizarre situations, Akira could not have honestly told you he wasn't relishing the opportunity to squeeze such perfect tits. Even without any stimulation of his own, he found himself occasionally letting slip a groan of satisfaction. With every caress, some long, some short, some ending with a mischievous pinch, Akira found himself racking his brain, thinking, _ how the hell is giving someone tits like this an _ ** _attack!?_ ** He nuzzled against the back of Ryuji's head, right around the hairline behind his ear. Another sigh made Ryuji shiver. _ That's right, _ Akira thought, _ his neck. _

Gently, Ann pulled down, retracting Ryuji's smooth skin and revealing the engorged tip of his cock. A thick bead of clear liquid sat at his opening, staring her in the face, daring her, "_ Do it. Lick me off. You know you want to." _No way. Maybe they weren't worried about pretense anymore, but that didn't mean Ann could just turn into a drooling slut at a moment's notice. Forget being ladylike, she just needed to be composed enough to not embarrass herself. She pulled back up, creating a slow rhythm. 

Ryuji was just about fuckin' losing his shit. It would have been one thing to fool around with his friends like this - holy shit would it - but the added stimulation from his altered body kicked the whole thing into overdrive. Sparkling fireworks of pleasure popped and sizzled in every corner of his body, through every extremity. If he could form a long, coherent string of thoughts, he might consider that _ oh, this must be what those chicks in pornos are all _ ** _pretendin_ ** _ ' sex feels like. Too bad I can't turn this on and off whenever I want, holy shit. _ See? Expletives were even creeping into his hypothetical thoughts. It just so happened that his real thoughts were about to turn _ entirely _ into expletives. Akira ever so lightly dug his teeth into the skin of Ryuji's neck, his lips closing in a sloppy kiss as he withdrew. The stimulation pulled a pathetic whine from the boy, so Akira did it again. And again. And again.

From her spot on the floor, it was easy for Ann to track the whole exchange. The sight almost made her forget about the dick in her hand. Think about it: it was Ryuji, who, though she would be reluctant to admit it, she found adorable much in the way that one finds a particularly stupid puppy adorable, and Akira, who, regardless of his reputation, could make girls wet just by entering the room - and they weren't just fooling around, they were goddamn _ going at it. _ She'd never fantasized about two guys before, but it seemed like something she could get used to. Just touching Ryuji had made her _ cautiously _ horny, but the sight of him melting in Akira's arms sent every bit of heat in her body down to her groin. 

As that heat trickled away from her head, so did her capacity to temper her own desire. Having said that, it wasn't surprising how quickly it became impossible to ignore the little voice urging her on. Ann found her head dipping, leaning, stretching…

She heard a brief gasp from somewhere out in space. A heartbeat could be felt on her tongue, next to a spot of salty wetness. There was no room in her head to reconsider. All brain power was being diverted to whichever part of the human psyche drives us to love cock. Deep and undoubtedly intricate philosophical discussions aside, she pushed her head down further until the hardness in her mouth bumped uncomfortably against the back of her throat. With a cough, she drew back up, back in reality. 

Ryuji had spent much of this time with his eyes clenched involuntarily, but when Ann looked back up, he was staring her down with the most vulnerable and somehow erotic look she'd ever seen. His face rambled, _ holy effin’ shit I cant believe you just did that but now I need you to do that forever, I need you to - _etc. The girl's brief adventure into fellatio had not ended in such a way that suggested his desire would be granted, but it invigorated her nonetheless. Also, now that her saliva coated the entirety of his throbbing length, Ann found it easy to stroke and squeeze even more aggressively. Given that look in her friend's eye, she knew what was coming soon, no pun intended. 

With this additional stimulation, Ryuji was reaching his limit, the crescendo of his whining groans reflecting his distance from climax. He might have been embarrassed about how girly he sounded were he not almost at the edge. The hips supporting him were gyrating, a bulge rutting against his muscular ass from below. It seemed his pleasure was contagious, as both of his friends allowed occasional mewls and grunts of their own to escape into the air. 

The feeling of Ryuji's orgasm couldn't be compared to pleasure. The shockwave of sensation was too intense to understand, seeming to pull his soul from his body and snap his brain like an old rubber band in one unearthly blast. 

Even though she tried to prepare herself, Ann almost jumped when Ryuji started cumming. Lost in the moment, she seemed to have forgotten that she was in charge of aiming the shot, which made it especially startling when the first thick, white rope splattered onto her chin. Unfortunately for her, the panicked yelp she responded with only made it easier for the next blast to pass between her lips. It was frightening how quickly she realised just how much she liked the taste, like that chemical saltiness was hard-coded into her brain. _No! No!! Dignified! Gotta be dignified! _How she expected to achieve that with cum on her face was anyone's guess.

Ryuji fell limp, sliding out of Akira's arms and onto the bed. Amusingly enough, it seemed like the exertion had caused him to pass out cold, face awkwardly mashed into his mattress and legs still draped over his friend. Gingerly, Akira rearranged the boy limb by limb until he lay in what looked like a comfortable position. Across the room, Ann rummaged around in her bag for tissues. "Is he gonna be okay, you think?" she asked, rejoining her friend standing over the bed. "The whole... _ boobs _ thing, I mean."

"Yeah. Everything those monsters do has been reversible so far. Don't you think it makes sense that you'd fix a 'sex-ish' attack with, well, this?"

"Sure, but what exactly _ is _ this? What the hell did we just do? Explain _ that _ to me, mister."

"C'mon, I don't have all the answers."

"Well, whatever it was…"

The hot air in the room settled as the two watched Ryuji's bare chest rise and fall. 

"...I think we should maybe do it again sometime…" Ann whispered. 

………

** _Knock, knock, knock_ **

"Good morning, Ryu-kun~! Up and at em'! Have a good day at school, sweetie. Love youu~!"

"Love you too, ma," Ryuji groaned. His body ached everywhere, as if he'd just done an intense workout after months off. He pawed for his phone, finding it on the nightstand. 

1 New Message 

Akira:

Good morning, sunshine. Let me know if everything's back to normal. If not, I have a note from a doctor with your name on it. Don't worry, she's cool. 

In the morning haze, Ryuji spent a clueless moment racking his brain. 'Back to normal?' Why would he not be n-

Oh. Holy shit. Holy _ shit. Holy effin' SHIT. _

Did he really-? With Ann _ and Akira? What the shit? For REAL? _And on top of that…

...did he like it…?

Ryuji:

im good, ill be there

Ryuji:

also that stuff i did w/ u… dont like read into that or whatever yknow 

Akira:

What, I wasn't good enough for you?

Ryuji:

no u were good

Ryuji:

WAIT

Ryuji:

i meant something else

Akira:

That's too bad. Ann wants to do it again. 

Ryuji:

A

Akira:

?

Ryuji:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Akira:

Just get to school, jackass.

………

"_ Ugh, _ why the frick are we down here again? We can't go any deeper!"

They had gathered once more in the bowels of Mementos that very same day for, according to Akira, more practice.

"I believe, Oracle, that _ that _ is what _ he _said." 

"Inari, you are _ so _ crap at telling jokes it's unbelievable. You're an imbecile. A buffoon, even!"

Akira maintained his facade. "Come on, guys. Let's just get a little practice in against these tougher shadows and we'll call it a day." 

It wasn't long before another one of those statues showed up, plump and ominously silent. 

"Look out, you guys. If you get hit by this thing, it-"

Akira nudged Morgana with his foot.

"It, uh, really hurts! Yeah. Look out!"

"Gotcha, look out!" Ryuji theatrically exclaimed, hopping towards the creature with his mace at the ready. The cat was confused. Was Ryuji actually _ that _ stupid, or was he _ trying _ to get hit again? 

Once again, the attack did nothing. An exasperated Futaba called out from above, "Why did you _ do _ that? You dummy! We already know it's weak to- Crap, duck! It's gonna do the same thing as-"

He did not duck. Those two balls of energy shot from the monster on a collision course with Ryuji's face, and…

...zoomed right past his head, pegging Yusuke in the chest. 

"Oh… shit."

  



End file.
